Gods of Egypt (3D)

GOD DAMN IT!!!

I know what you must be thinking- why the hell would I subject myself to this shit? Well, I figured since I run this blog I should just take the bullet and see this so you don't have to. I hope you all appreciate what I've done.

Wow. I don't know if words can describe the horror that I've witnessed. But I'll do my best.

Gods of Egypt is about a mortal named Bek (Brenton Thawaites) who teams up with god Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) in order to defeat Set (Gerard Butler)- who has taken over Egypt and plunged it into chaos.

I just read somewhere that the budget on this movie was $140 million. Where the hell did that money go?!? Obviously they didn't put it into the special effects. Good lord! It felt like they made this movie in the early 90's and are just now getting around to releasing it. That's how bad the effects were. I have a feeling that whoever was in charge of them will never work in Hollywood again. Same goes for the so called "writers".

Don't even get me started on the whole whitewashing issue. I could go on a twenty page rant just about that.

I have to take a moment and talk about the terrible, obnoxious performance that Brenton Thawaites gave. And people think Jai Courtney is bad. Say what you want about him, but I've seen Jai Courtney give a good performance. And even his performances that weren't good, at least he tried. This kid (even though he's only five years younger than me, he looks like he's about sixteen) doesn't even fucking try! I've yet to see him give a good performance.

If it weren't for Jamie Lannister (yes I know that's not his name but he'll always be Jamie Lannister to me) and Gerard Butler I probably would have walked out of the movie. Jamie Lannister isn't great in this, but at least he's charming and nice look at. Gerard Butler to me was the best part of the movie. He was hamming it up so much it was as if he was saying, "Yes, I know this is shit but damn it! I'm going to have fun." Although I kind of wonder if they used old stock footage from 300 and just made a few slight changes.

At first, I was okay with this movie. Yes it was awful but in a so bad it's good sort of way. The problem is it's two hours and seven fucking minutes long! I sat in that theater for two and a half hours if you count all the trailers they showed before it. Just when I thought it might be over, it kept going on and on and on. There were several times when I said out loud, "Are you fucking serious? Just end already!" At least Clash of the Titans and its sequel Wrath of Titans had the sense to each be only an hour and a half. I know those movies aren't the best but I liked them. They were fun. Plus they had Liam Neeson as Zeus for crying out loud.

I'm seriously begging all of you- DO NOT go see Gods of Egypt in theaters. It is one of those movies where you have to see it to believe it though. So what I suggest you do is get a bunch of friends together, get really drunk, and watch it when it comes to Netflix. That's the only way you might get some enjoyment out of this.

My Rating: 4/10